Little changes can make a difference.
A client requested I read-over an important email they needed to send. The client wanted to send it to someone they had a good working relationship with and the assessment of the recipient’s preferred style was: “Since he is not a details man and more of a bottom line guy, I thought it might be best to keep it short and to the point.”
The client kindly gave me permission to share it with you as it makes a valid point about being direct while keeping rapport. It also points out the value of having a neutral party edit any important communication. Sometimes you can be too close to a communication to put yours and its best foot forward.
Original: (Underlined added to show major word change)
Hi Joe,
I’ve had several inquiries as to whether we will be doing (name of presentation) this year and am wondering if you might be interested in helping bring (name of trainer) back for another training. It was a great success last year and I’ve heard from many participants who are finding the strategies a great help when working with our more challenging behavioral problems. I’ve checked with (name of trainer) and he said he would be willing to come and do the presentation for us again.
(Name of consulting company) would take care of advertising, registration, fees, and logistics. However, I don’t think they can afford to cover the cost of rental space and custodial. Do you think that you might be willing to cover the cost of the space for the presentation and custodial? If the West conference room is available, I would like to try to book their area.
We will again charge the participants $XX to cover (name of trainer) cost; food and beverages, and print.
Please let me know at your earliest convenience.
My response:
Just a few suggestions:
I’ve reordered some of the phrases to put the strongest selling points first: that last year was a big success and people are asking to have it again. Excellent job in being direct and making it difficult to say no by proactively answering possible objections and giving him reasons for doing it again by mentioning the benefits received with the last training. Finally, I suggest changing the following phrase (you would know better which phrase would work with your client) Do you think that you might be… or would he prefer the third person: Do you think that the company might be…
My client’s comments upon reading the changes: ‘“the company is better. Wow, you are good. The differences are subtle, yet effective.”
Edited text
Hi Joe
After the success of last year, I’ve had multiple inquiries as to whether we will be doing (name of event) this year. I am wondering if the (name of company) might be interested in helping bring [name of trainer] back for another training. We’ve heard from many participants who are finding the strategies a great help when working with our more challenging behavioral problems. I’ve checked with (name of trainer) and he said he would be willing to come and do the presentation for us again this spring.
(Name of consulting company) would take care of advertising, registration, fees, and logistics like last year. However, they can not afford to cover the cost of rental space and custodial. Do you think that the company might be willing to cover the cost of the space for the presentation and custodial? If the West conference room is available, I would like to book that room.
We will again charge the participants $XX to cover cost; food, beverages, advertising and printing of manuals. CEU credits will again be available.
Please let me know at your earliest convenience.
Have a great day in whatever your adventure,
To success! To Life!
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